Today I tied my shoes. I haven’t tied them for 3 weeks, and it is quite the accomplishment.
The vise that clamped my lower back for 3 1/2 weeks seems to be loosening its grip. I’m hoping to be pain-free soon.
A couple weeks ago the perfect storm occurred: my daughter moved out, I realized I had a hernia, my back pain was steadily growing worse, and a continuing conflict in my life reared its ugly head, again. Yes, I would have curled up into a ball, but I couldn’t. I could only lie flat on my back.
As usual, God showed me much about myself and Himself through suffering. He freed me up to do many things.
1. He freed me up to plead and wrestle with him unabashedly. In A Praying Life, Paul Miller challenges us to approach God as little children. Children say exactly what’s on their minds (just ask Rebecca, if you really want to know). Children are shameless. They pester. They completely trust you to take care of them, and it frees them up to ask and hope for anything. Jesus says, “LOOK AT THEM!” We need to shamelessly ask, hope, and pester our Heavenly Father. I did.
2. God freed me up to ask for help. I am not a “needy” person. Being “needy” kind of gives me the heebie jeebies. Thank you very much. I can get the door with this 50 pound basket of laundry. I can run this show. I can carry this kitchen cabinet. I can handle my problems, without crying to a friend. I can even shoulder the burden, so my husband doesn’t have to.
Years ago, I had a friend who had surgery. She was a very giving, capable gal, who always went the extra mile for others. We went over to visit her after surgery, and I had to help her get food, help her get up, etc. I had a surge of love for this woman I’d never had. She never NEEDED me, and it was hard for me to show her how I felt about her.
I remember a mom telling me that taking care of all my children’s needs was robbing my husband of the opportunity to show the kids how much he loved them. And here I thought I was helping him out, and showing him how darn capable I was.
A friend has told me TO CALL HER WHEN I NEED HELP. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. She feels distanced from me because she doesn’t feel needed.
Well…that all changed the last couple of weeks.
My dear husband has had to hoist me out of bed, chairs, and the car. He has helped me get dressed, rounded up girls to do my work, and had to finish my projects himself, because I couldn’t finish them. And you know what? He didn’t mind at all. He gladly did it. He didn’t care how incapable I was. I didn’t feel guilty for putting more work on him, either. I felt loved.
Maddie rubbed my back last Sunday as we were walking up to take communion, whispering, “Mommy, does that feel better?” In my mind I answered, “My back doesn’t, honey. But my heart could break I love you so much right now.”
I called that friend, who sometimes doesn’t hear from me for weeks. I called her while she was out of town. I interrupted all sorts of important things. She didn’t care. She thanked me for calling. She loved me well. I didn’t feel like a failure because I couldn’t do it myself.
3. God freed me up to show compassion for others. I know some people who struggle with chronic back pain, and sometimes it is difficult to understand what they’re going through. It isn’t now. As my pain fades, I hope I remember vividly how debilitating my pain was for such a short amount of time.
4. God freed me up to receive prayer for healing. Sometimes I’m not sure if I can really ask for such a little thing. You know. Drawing attention to yourself, look at me, my back hurts. But I stood there while they prayed for me. And you know what? The next day was the turning point. I felt things loosening up just a bit back there, instead of tightening up even more. Ahhhhh.
Would I still roll up into a ball if I could? Well…
My daughter is still gone. But she calls me. She spent the night last night. Saturday she brought her boyfriend out and cooked supper for us and the grandparents. So I guess even if she is an independent college girl, she still likes me. I’m glad.
The doctor said I have an umbilical hernia, and have probably had it since birth. I may have noticed it recently due to Maddie and Rebecca both poking me right in the belly button in the same weekend, making it a bit sore. But I don’t need surgery. Score.
You obviously know by now the back pain is decreasing.
And the continuing conflict? The past year I’ve decided this may always be a thorn in my side. And that is okay with me. If God chooses to take it from me, I’ll praise Him. If he chooses to let it continue, I’ll praise Him. Who am I to question my Lord? How much has He already taught me through this trial about forgiveness, commitment, perseverance, reliance on Him, and prayer? A lot. How much would I have learned without the trial? Zero. Or close enough.
A few weeks ago I went to Grace Chapel with Ashley, and Ben Loos, the assistant pastor, preached about Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
His conclusion was that suffering is our servant. When Christ died on the cross, he conquered death and suffering. He uses suffering to make us more like Himself. Ben said he wasn’t teaching us anything, but just reminding us. There is a reason I went with her that week. This is an invaluable reminder to me. Suffering is invaluable, too.
It can set you free to make you more like Christ.
