Burdenofglory’s Weblog

I am emerging from my Feeling-sorry-for-myself, pseudo-midlife-crisis phase.  It began to set in as my oldest daughter showed bona fide signs of growing up when she started dating and talking about moving out at the end of the summer.

Huh?

Why is this a problem?  Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out.

I know I am mourning our (my) life as we know it.  My Little Women.  All my British orphans with horrid British accents.  All my pupils diligently (not) studying, either in front of the warm fire, or shivering in their rooms.

One of Ashley’s friends suggested that this was a downside of homeschooling.  Homeschool parents just can’t let go, and want to keep controlling our children.  Nice point.  We didn’t have the kindergarten moment, and all the successive moments to help us lessen our grip.  In my defense, I must add that Ashley and Katherine used to ride their bikes down the road and back, like I really was letting them go to school.  Kidding aside, Ashley has many freedoms, like no curfew, to allow her to make good (and late) decisions, while under our roof.  And for the most part, it has been good.

After our prayer meeting today, a dear kindred-spirit mommy hugged me (twice – I must look peaked).  I told her I was better, but I had talked to other moms, and my mourning was not an isolated incident, but rather common.  She told me we didn’t want our kids to make the same mistakes we did.  (Amen) And even if they do make mistakes, God can use them for His good, just like He did in our lives.  We want them to believe us when we say how hard things are when you go down “that” road.  However, from God’s perspective, all is not lost, even when they stumble.  We have the passion for certain ministries God has called us to, in part, because we made BIG mistakes, and can minister out of our brokenness.  (I know.  But my heart doesn’t want my kids to be broken, really.) You know what else she said?  She said Ashley knows what is right.  (This is true.)

Now, like never before, I have to trust God.

I have to trust God that even though this beautiful and incredibly fulfilling season of my life as a mommy who is needed 24/7 will pass, my purpose is not decimated.  God has something equally extraordinary prepared for me in the future.  It won’t look the same, but if I am serving Him wholeheartedly, it doesn’t matter.   I don’t know what that is yet, but I think about it.  Is it urban ministry?  Loving my husband, children, and grandchildren faithfully, and being a light to younger families?  When I look in our church at the Johnsons, who celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, I know there is much more to come.  And it is good.  But it frightens me, because it won’t be the same.  I feel comfortable with “the same.”  “Unknown” is scary.  I have to trust God with these unknowns.

So, dear first-born, I cannot promise I will always be The Rock, who is always strong for you, and always has it together.   Once in a while, I may still get a bit damp in the eye, and my look will be distant, as if I was remembering something precious.  But there is a growing part of me that looks forward to being the mother of an independent young woman.  And a still smaller part of me, which wonders what God has in store for just me and Him.