Burdenofglory’s Weblog

Life really is stranger than fiction.  Ironies abound.  God gives us a lot to think about.  Many “why’s.”

Last Thursday night I visited a gal who had tried to take her life.  The waves of depression were just too strong.  She cannot deal with the pain anymore.  Everyone would be better off without her.  Even her 2 kids.  I tried to reason with her, because she is a believer.  I can go to the Bible, but I am not sure that in her state, the verses seem real to her.  I am helpless.  What can I do but turn to the Lord, and encourage her to turn to the One who is near to the brokenhearted?  This girl’s brokenness is so vast, she definitely knows her need for a Savior.  But realizing all the implications of what her Savior can do in His own time hasn’t trickled into her being yet.  Pray it does soon, so she can look death in the face and realize every day is a gift from God.  No matter what it looks like with our dim, narrow vision.

Last Saturday I attended a celebration of life.  I have heard this term after someone dies, and the family wants to celebrate the life of their loved one, and not focus on the sadness of their death.  But this celebration was for Justin, my brother-in-law.  He has been battling thyroid cancer for the last year, and just got a clean bill of health.

Justin gave his testimony to a houseful of friends and family.  I have heard it before, but was still mesmerized by his description of the doctor when he felt Justin’s golf ball-sized thyroid during a routine examination:  he stumbled back 3 steps and turned white.  When Justin went in to get it biopsied, the doctor was just about ready to insert the 4-inch syringe into his neck – then stopped, and said she didn’t feel comfortable with this procedure, because it was too close to an artery. Justin’s story is full of ups and downs, frustrations and revelations.

Aunt Jo came all the way from Kearney to celebrate with Justin.  She is battling incurable cancer for the second time.  The first time the doctors pronounced her a miracle.  This time she has innumerable nodules on her lungs.  But they are shrinking, and she won’t stop fighting.  Tears streamed down her face as she identified with every experience and emotion Justin discussed.

Justin concluded by telling us what you learn when you look death in the face and realize your mortality:  every day is a gift from God.  He wants to be used by God as fully as he can, realizing this may look like suffering, sometimes.  He realizes his existence, and perhaps his death, will have an impact for generations.  So he is fully committing each day to God.

I am not sure if humans can realize the importance of their lives and the lives of others unless God makes it VERY PLAIN to them.  He mercifully gives us lives that enjoy beauty and persevere through suffering, which makes the beauty even more profound.

I grew up without my dad.  When I look at Marcus just sitting in his chair reading, I experience a deep sense of beauty that I may not have appreciated if I had always had my dad around.  It would probably be easier to take him for granted.  But when I see young women and little girls swarming their daddy, that’s where it’s at.

Last night I told the gal who tried to commit suicide that this hopeless time will pass.  She will look back at this period of her life, and see God’s hand orchestrating all the while.  She will be so glad life didn’t end.  I hope she will be able to appreciate God and her life in a way I never will be able to.  May her brush with mortality and His beauty start transforming her now.

God has not shown Redeemer where we will worship yet, so we have to worship in the evenings at Zion.  Kerri explained this is like an adult child staying in their parents’ basement, which I can understand.  However, there are a couple reasons I have liked worshiping there.  First, it makes the church plant not quite as painful and final – I still run into Zion people since we use the church.  I like that a lot.

Second…I really want to keep meeting in the evenings, and Tobey may change this when we find our own space to worship in the mornings.

Evening service rocks.  Why?

Having service at night is like squeezing one more day out of the weekend.  Some weekends, I can almost be “leisurely.”  The connotation of leisurely seems to mean lazily, but I don’t think so.  Yesterday I had to go coat shopping with Katherine.  I don’t always look forward to shopping, but I had gotten done what needed to be done, so we went.  We weren’t in a hurry, and we oohed and ahhed over the fun Target brands in Super Target’s grocery department, chatted with Chelsey, Amani, and Finley, and came back refreshed.  It was not like when you have to run errands all afternoon and feel wiped out when you’re done.

It reminds me of what Europeans call “dining,” and we call “eating out.”  They expect a meal to take hours, and that is OK because it isn’t all about the meal and what you have to get done next.  We want to be in and out to make the most efficient use of our time.  Have to be good stewards with our time now, don’t we?  But maybe spending our time with people is the best use of our time, instead of DOING something else.

Due to my selfish nature, doing “fun” things with my kids usually takes a back seat.  We do a lot of things together, but they may not call them fun.  But on Sundays, we don’t work.  Sometimes we have time for “fun.”  Last Sunday Rebecca wanted to make biscuits and gravy with me.  She usually doesn’t get to help in the kitchen much, because there are already a gaggle of girls cooking in there.  Anyway, Rebecca wanted to use snowflake Christmas cookie cutters for biscuits, so we meticulously cut out biscuits, not caring how much time it took.

Then we got to take a bike ride together, because it was such a beautiful day.

This morning Marcus, Rebecca and Maddie put together model airplanes.

Maddie’s comment was, “Mom, I was made for this.”  Priceless.

I had a conversation the other day with a lovely person, who happens to have a drinking problem.

“The Bible says wine is a good gift.  In Jesus’ first miracle, he turned water into wine after the guests had already gone through all the wine provided.  Are you telling me the guests weren’t already tipsy – even a bit drunk?  What is wine for, if it isn’t to get a buzz?” asked the person.

“Hmmmmm….,” said I.

Good question.  Why is wine such a good gift, when some Christians have a difficult time determining the amount that isn’t such a good gift anymore?  Is it enough when they feel relaxed?  When their cheeks feel warm?  When they laugh too loud?  When?   Wouldn’t it be better not to give us a gift that so easily entangles?

As I was running on the treadmill this morning, where I pray and ponder such things, I remembered one of the reasons I’m so disciplined about exercise:  my insatiable appetite for sugary anything.  How much Halloween candy is too much?  Should I try to limit myself to one treat a day?  What if I go to something tonight that has a treat?  Is food a good gift too?  Yes, it is.  And I should exert self-control.  Only I don’t really want to ask for God’s strength.  I just want one more bite.   My only sure defense is not to have dessert lazily lying around the house.

How about money?  Is it the root of all evils?  It is too easy to feel secure when the bills are paid and Marcus has enough business in the shop.  Again, I know money is not to fault here.

However, alcohol does seem a bit different to me in some aspects.  God tells us not to be a stumbling block to our brothers.  And this really seems the most evident to me with drinking in front of people with drinking problems.

I don’t expect people to put their M & M’s away when I come for a visit.  Please don’t.  Maybe I actually did have self control that day.  If not, maybe I can just smell them.

And money?  Are we not supposed to have a friend over because we know they have an issue with coveting?  No, I think we believe the responsibility lies with the covet-er.

If we were automatons, we wouldn’t have to decide how much of God’s gifts are too much.  We would just do what we’re supposed to do. End of story.  But perhaps we wouldn’t enjoy them as much, either.  Robots don’t have that great gray area where they have to use discernment.

The creation that has been given the responsibility to make decisions must make them out of a growing relationship with their Creator.  I reevaluate, as my wisdom grows from spending time with the Father and His Word.  At least I’m hoping His will becomes more evident to me all the time, and I’m not just deluding myself with more of my own wisdom.

I am not sure if I have a good answer to the above question of why Jesus would  make wine at a party when everyone has probably had their fair share already.   I need to remember I can’t always have all the answers, but I can point this person to what else God’s word says.  Drunkenness is just plain wrong, as it gluttony and being a lover of money.  We are supposed to do all things to His glory, and not to be mastered by anything.  We should put our faith in the One who ultimately satisfies our desires, even though we try to fill our desires with other things that only appease us for the moment.  Pray.  His mercies are new every morning, and so shall mine be also.

Amen.